The Six Levels of Friendship Development: What Children Are Really Working Toward Part II

We often use the term “friendship” without considering that it evolves dramatically over time. As Dr. Steven Gutstein writes:

“We refer to friendships as if they are all alike… In reality, friendship changes dramatically from the early preschool years to adolescence.”

Friendship is not one skill. It is a developmental progression that unfolds across six levels — each requiring increasing complexity in motivation, perspective-taking, collaboration, awareness, and emotional insight.

Understanding this progression helps us see where a child truly is, and what support they actually need.

LEVEL 1 — Pre-Friendship: Foundations with Adults

The most important — and most overlooked — stage of friendship is the one that happens before peer friendships begin.

Dr. Gutstein explains:

“Typically developing children are not ready for peer friendships until they’ve had extensive practice being partners with adults… This cannot be bypassed.”

Children spend their earliest years learning:

• recovering from missteps
• co-regulation
• joint attention
• emotional attunement
• taking turns in a natural flow
• adapting within safe limits
• coordinating actions
  
  recovering from missteps

Adults are their first relational guides. This stage builds the neurological foundation required for every later level of friendship.

LEVEL 2 — Shared Activity & Equal Partnership

At Level 2, children begin choosing peers who feel like good matches. Friends are enjoyable playmates who show clear desire to interact. Gutstein describes these friendships as:

“Peers who consistently choose each other and coordinate their actions equally.”

Friendship here is about:

• delighting in simple shared experiences
• choosing each other repeatedly
• matching interests and energy
• coordinating play without dominance

This is the building block of “we like doing this together.”

LEVEL 3 — Collaboration, Co-Creation & Mutual Support

Level 3 marks a developmental leap. Children begin experiencing the strength of working together. As Gutstein writes:

“Friends act as a unit to solve problems and overcome obstacles.”

At this level, children:

• collaborate creatively
• combine ideas to build new variations of play
• show concern when a friend is hurt or scared
• develop early empathy
• learn compromise
• avoid peers who cheat or refuse to collaborate

Shared imaginative play deepens. Co-created traditions and games emerge. Friendship becomes a meaningful source of identity and comparison.

LEVEL 4 — Perspective, Impression & Emotional Awareness

At Level 4, friendship becomes more self-reflective. Children begin recognizing that friends have different thoughts, feelings, and internal experiences.

Gutstein notes:

“Children act in ways they hope will be attractive to a friend… and understand they must provide something meaningful, not just what they prefer.”

Children at this level:

• consider how they’re perceived
• take a friend’s interests into account
• maintain friendships through thoughtful action
• collaborate in imaginative, idea-based play
• reflect on emotions and intentions
  
  Friendship moves from activity-based to meaning-based.
  

LEVEL 5 — Loyalty, Reliability & Internal States

As children approach middle school, friendships take on emotional depth. Gutstein describes Level 5 friends as:

“Reliable allies — understanding, loyal, and trustworthy.”

Level 5 friendships include:

• loyalty and standing up for each other
• sharing deeper feelings and inner states
• frequent communication to maintain the relationship
• analyzing intentions
• trusting each other’s judgment
• feeling safest with peers who understand them

Children recognize that not all friendships are equal.

LEVEL 6 — Intimacy, Vulnerability & Enduring Bonds

By adolescence, friendship becomes a profound emotional experience. Gutstein explains:

“Exchanging intimacy becomes the defining characteristic of close friendships.”

At this level, teens:

• share fears, dreams, insecurities, and hopes
• understand each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities
• treat emotional disclosures with deep respect
• offer constructive honesty
• maintain connection across distance and time
• evaluate which friendships truly “earn” closeness

These friendships help shape identity and adulthood.

🌱 Why These Levels Matter

Children who struggle socially are not “behind.”
They are simply showing us which developmental level needs reinforcement.

As Dr. Gutstein emphasizes:

“The primary role of parents is to build the mental resources children need to function in real-world environments… to reflect, take perspectives, improvise, and go with the flow.”

When we respect the developmental path, we stop expecting children to perform skills they’re not yet neurologically ready for — and start helping them build the foundations that will allow friendship to flourish.

About the Author

Lisa Palasti is the Director of RDI® Professional Training in Canada, a certified RDI® Consultant, and a veteran RDI® parent of two sons. She is passionate about helping families create meaningful, mindful connections that foster well-being, independence, and quality of life.