Stop Asking “How Was School?” — There’s a Better Way to Build Communication

Part Two of a back-to-school series. Read Part One: Back to School, Back to Relationship.

When I first began RDI, one of the things I learned to do was stop asking my kids, “How was school today?” It wasn’t getting me anywhere anyway. I would ask how their day was and get very little back, so then I tried being more specific. “What did you do at school today?” The answer was usually the same scripted response: “Played with friends.”

For a long time, some of those answers weren’t even really coming from them. They were choices represented by pictures or symbols on a piece of paper that they could circle or stamp. In fact, I suspect that one of their support staff did this for them. They had no ownership or agency or ability to answer me because they didn’t know what to say. Day after day, there were the same few choices. Eventually my kids became very good at giving me the expected answer without really having to think about it at all. “Played with friends.” Great. Except I still didn’t know anything about their day, what mattered to them, what they noticed, what made them laugh, what confused them or what they were thinking about.

Why “How was school?” is such a hard question

When I began learning about declarative communication, I started to understand why some of my questions were so difficult in the first place. Think about the question, “How was your school day?” What exactly does that mean? How was it in what way? Am I supposed to tell you whether it was good or bad? Am I supposed to tell you what happened? Which part of the last six or seven hours do you want to know about?

Even “What did you do at school today?” isn’t nearly as straightforward as we think it is. Where should a child begin when they have challenges with dynamic appraisal?

What we’re really asking our child to do is something much more sophisticated. We’re asking them to look back over hundreds of moments from their day, appraise those experiences and somehow determine, “This is the part that was meaningful enough to tell Mom about.”

For many autistic children, that can be incredibly difficult. Dynamic appraisal—the ability to determine what information is important or meaningful in a particular moment—is part of a much bigger developmental picture involving perceived meaning, episodic memory and autobiographical memory. We aren’t simply asking our children to remember what happened. We’re asking them to decide what mattered. And mattered to them.

What I did instead

Once I understood that, I stopped working so hard to extract information from my kids and started thinking about how I could make communication more meaningful.

Instead of asking question after question, I began using more declarative communication. I shared my own thoughts, observations, memories and perspectives without placing a demand on them to respond. I might say, “I was thinking about you today when it started pouring outside. I wondered if you guys were at recess.” Or, “Something really funny happened to me today.” Or even, “You look like you’re happy to be home.”

And then came the important part. I stopped talking.

I left some space.

Not the kind of space where we’re silently staring at our child thinking, Okay, I used a declarative. Now SAY SOMETHING. That’s still a demand, even if we haven’t said it out loud. I genuinely gave them time to process what I’d shared and decide whether they had anything they wanted to contribute.

Sometimes they didn’t. That’s okay.

Sometimes they responded several minutes later. That’s okay too. I once worked with a family whose child responded to something his parent had said the previous day—24 hours later! The information had clearly gone in. He simply needed considerably more time before he was ready to do something with it.

Say a little less. Share something meaningful. Leave some space.

This is why I encourage parents to become comfortable with silence. Say a little less. Share something meaningful. Leave some space. Give your child plenty of processing time and don’t immediately fill the silence with another question because you’re worried the first attempt “didn’t work.”

Declarative communication isn’t a clever technique for getting your child to answer you. The whole point is that we’re changing the nature of communication itself. We’re helping our children experience communication as something people use to share thoughts, feelings, observations, memories, ideas and perspectives—not simply as a system where adults ask questions and children are expected to provide answers.

Try sharing instead

So if you’ve been asking, “How was school?” every afternoon and getting “fine,” “good,” “I don’t know,” or absolutely nothing useful in return, maybe it’s time to stop asking.

Tell your child something about your day. Wonder out loud. Make an observation. Share a memory or something that made you laugh. Then leave enough space for your child to decide whether there is something they would like to add.

Don’t be discouraged if nothing happens right away. You’re building a foundation. You’re showing your child what communication between two people can feel like when there isn’t always a right answer or an expectation attached to it.

And before you know it, you may discover that your child starts telling you things you never would have known to ask about in the first place.

A back-to-school tip: create a bridge between home and school

Consider asking your child’s teacher if they would be open to creating a simple communication bridge between home and school. This could be a traditional communication book or journal that travels back and forth, or some type of secure digital communication that allows parents and teachers to share a brief note or occasional picture.

As a parent, you might share something meaningful your child did over the weekend, giving the teacher a little piece of information they can use naturally. Instead of asking, “Did you go hiking this weekend?” the teacher might say, “Your mom told me you went hiking this weekend. I love hiking! I went a couple of weeks ago and saw some beautiful wildflowers.” Then pause and leave space. Or simply, “I heard you carved a pumpkin this weekend.” Period. Pause. No question and no requirement for the child to respond.

The same can happen in the other direction. The teacher might send home a quick note or picture about something meaningful that happened during the school day. Now instead of asking, “How was school today?” a parent can say, “I heard you went on a field trip today.” Then leave some space and see what the child might add.

The purpose isn’t for adults to do the communicating for the child, but to provide a little bit of scaffolding around an experience so the child doesn’t have to search through an entire day, decide what was important and figure out where to begin. We’re giving them a meaningful starting point while still leaving the communication—and whether they choose to add anything—theirs.

About Lisa Palasti

Lisa Palasti is an RDI® Program Certified Consultant and Director of RDI® Professional Training in Canada, with over 27 years of experience in the autism field. As both a professional and veteran RDI parent, Lisa brings a unique combination of professional expertise and lived experience to helping families guide their children’s growth.