Back to School, Back to Relationship: What Our Kids Need Most in September

Every September there is so much focus on getting our kids ready for school. We think about schedules, teachers, classrooms, backpacks, accommodations, homework and routines. For parents of autistic children, there can be an additional layer of worry. Will my child cope? Will the teacher understand them? Will they make friends? Will they be able to manage all of the uncertainty that comes with a new school year?

Those are important questions, but I think sometimes we get so busy preparing our children for everything they are going to have to do that we forget about something even more important: the relationships that will support them while they are doing it.

Development happens within relationships. Our children don’t become more resilient, flexible and capable simply because we explain more, prompt more or prepare them for every possible thing that could happen. They develop these capacities through repeated experiences of navigating uncertainty alongside people they trust. They need to know that when something is confusing, difficult or unexpected, there is someone they can look toward who isn’t going to panic, immediately fix it or demand an answer, but who can help them stay with the experience long enough to figure out what to do next.

Connection first, then independence

September gives us a wonderful opportunity to think about this differently. Rather than immediately focusing on independence, what if we focused first on connection? Instead of asking, “Can he do this by himself?” we might ask, “Does he know how to use me when he isn’t sure what to do?” Instead of trying to prepare our child for every possible school problem, we can work on becoming someone they naturally turn toward when a problem arises.

One of the things I talk about with parents all the time is the difference between doing something for our child and doing something with our child. When our children struggle, our instinct is often to jump in. We remind them what comes next, find the missing shoes, solve the homework problem, tell them what to say or email the teacher. Sometimes those things are necessary, but if we are always one step ahead, our children don’t get many opportunities to experience themselves as capable thinkers with a trusted guide beside them.

Try slowing things down this September. Leave a little room for your child to notice, wonder, reference you and participate in solving the problem. You don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, sometimes one of the most powerful things we can communicate is, “Hmm. I’m not sure. Let’s figure this out.”

That tiny moment communicates something much bigger: You don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to get everything right. And you don’t have to figure everything out alone.

Our goal isn’t to create children who never need us. It’s to help them become increasingly competent people who know how to think, how to recover, how to seek help and eventually how to navigate the world with greater confidence.

So as we begin another school year, perhaps the first question isn’t, “Is my child ready for school?”

Maybe it’s, “How can I strengthen the relationship that will help my child be ready for whatever comes next?”

A back-to-school tip: help the school see your child, not just their diagnosis

As you think about strengthening your relationship with your child this September, think about how you can help the school build that relationship too. One of the best ways to start the school year is to approach your child’s teacher as a partner. Schools are being asked to do an enormous amount, and I believe we’re much more likely to create a collaborative team when teachers see that we aren’t simply handing them a list of expectations, but that we are actively involved in our child’s development and want to work alongside them.

One of my clients recently created a simple “All About Me” document for her child and shared it with the school. It included who her child was beyond the diagnosis—his strengths, interests, personality, what makes him feel successful, what can be difficult for him and some of the ways the adults around him can best support his growth. The teachers were in awe. They told her, “We’ve never seen anything like this before.” More importantly, it immediately changed the conversation. Instead of the teacher meeting a diagnosis, a list of accommodations or another set of demands in an already very demanding school day, they were being introduced to a person.

Want a little help getting started? I’ve created a free, downloadable “All About Me” Teacher Profile that you can complete and share with your child’s school. It’s designed to help teachers see the whole child—their strengths, interests, personality, challenges and what helps them thrive—rather than simply seeing a diagnosis or an IEP.

So here’s my challenge for September: help your child’s teacher get to know the human being behind the IEP. Create a one- or two-page “All About Me” and include a picture. Share what makes your child laugh, what they’re interested in, what they’re proud of, what you love about them, what helps when they’re uncertain and what you’re currently working toward as a family. Let the teacher know that you value their observations and want to work together. When parents and teachers see themselves as partners in a child’s growth, we aren’t just building a better school year—we’re surrounding that child with adults who know them, believe in them and are invested in helping them grow.

Want to go deeper? Join me for a free webinar

Beyond Behavior: Helping Autistic Children Develop the Thinking Brain — a developmental approach to building flexibility, problem-solving, resilience and real-world independence. Running twice: Friday, September 11 and Friday, September 18, both at 11:00 am EST on Zoom. Join us here.

Part Two is now live: Stop Asking “How Was School?” — There’s a Better Way to Build Communication.